Once again- hitting the brick wall…

So tonight was a rough night for me. I was so torn up inside about some things going on. I did a lot of reflecting – but I realized— I keep hitting this same fkn brick wall: I expect things to be the same forever n then when they’re not, I go into panic mode. I tunnel and tune in on things and watch patterns closely so building a case takes time but today the case was completed.

I don’t know all the answers in life. I don’t know nor do I have power over what other ppl do and think of me. So, I had to get humble, reflect more so.

When someone comes to me with a complaint who I love, I try my best to change that behavior n I could names some off. But tonight I didn’t get that from someone in my life and that hurt because I am always up for their constructive towards me and ultimately I want to see them happy. 

Sucky Friday. Maybe a better Saturday — i don’t know. It just sucks when u want ppl to do the same as u like reflect or be receptive and listen and try better. Cause I know the people I love deserve the best. 

Life’s unfair — so is everything else that makes up life. 

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Now what? 

I’m really not the one in life who can handle change or drastic/dramatic events in life wether they be to me or wether they may be someone else. One thing I have learned is to take it a step at a time.

Lately, in my life, a lot has been going on. And I’m not the one to say ” God is testing me!” But let’s just says, I was put through the ringer lately … 

some way , some how , I didn’t lose my job, my mind, my home,  … nothing. I couldn’t concentrate , everything was so overwhelming. 

Because I am the good girlfriend I am 🙂 I went with my boyfriend to an event last night but I ended up back in the car and while I was in the car .. something happened….. 

all week I felt disconnected and disheveled and then , I prayed. I let my true fkn feelings out. No boundaries or anything. 

My boyfriend being the man that he is and being considerate, came to the car shortly thereafter and I ended up praying silently in my head. 

FYI- IM NOT RELIGIOUS BUT I DO BELIEVE IN A HIGHER POWER 

So now what, right ?  I woke this morning feeling so much better and so much more at peace 

Life happens regardless of all the good things you do for people and all the good karma you think your going to get back. That’s just LIFE. But that doesn’t mean we can’t seek peace and serenity in its chaotic moments/days/weeks/months as well.

The light?

I feel like I’m stealing the light from my own life at the moment, like I’m taking away my own happiness , with bullshit. 

I go to sleep feeling semi good and wake up feeling horrible.. questioning everything around me and everything I’ve said and done the previous day. 

I could sum it up to giving myself a mental trip every morning lately due to mental illness but it’s not that simple. Yet it is that simple. Like they say, it’s better to understand then be understood. But a lot of ppl don’t agree with that either. 

Feeling lost this morning…..

So they say…

So they say … to make God laugh, make plans… welp, God must have been hitting the flooring laughing hysterical yesterday then. 

I go away from time to time. More often than not. And I love it – every last minute of it…  but my “plans” did not go as planned yesterday. 

BUT- that’s okay. One thing I’ve learned in life thus far, is that there is always a bigger picture and a greater good. So despite the fact that my “plans” didn’t go through yesterday – there definitely is a bigger picture and a greater good that came and is coming out of this. I could be a Debbie downer n be like oh fml my plan womp womp — but I am an adult and I am mature and I think I have some experience with life… I think…. 

So with that being said, I wonder if I will make God laugh today.

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Never knew 

I never knew life was this difficult 

Full of twists and turns ending up in some say a cult 

But wrong are the ignorant 

And blessed are the patient and willing 

I never knew life was this difficult 

Responsibilities and no days off

Everything rushing at you and you just want it to Halt 

Ever wonder why you were given the life you were ?

Me too 

Got no answer in the form of words 

Situations, events, people and places just ended up fitting like the perfect shoe

Ever wonder why things don’t happen in your time ? Well lemme ask you , did you even ask on YOUR time to be born? 

Torn from the womb a light comes and shines like no other- and life seems simple, 

Then u get to the age of the pimple… that didn’t happen on your time. It happened on life’s time. 

No one ever told me -after 

ME that after my life being difficult , there was actually An ounce to the truth of “things will get better” and they did 

I not kid

For I wish 

To live a long fulfilling life. No one ever told me but I’m hard headed anyway so I have to live to learn. I not kid, for my wishes have been becoming my reality.

Snow – Wons

It’s snowing today and for some reason I feel off … like something is different in me. I feel like something is lacking but I am infamous for my over analyzing and I did have some crazy dreams last night that I guess I just haven’t shaked off yet. 

On top of that a family member hurt their leg, n then they hurt it again the other day so they have To go for an MRI and it sucks cause they aren’t getting any younger. And I don’t want this to be the start of physical ailments in their life.

Today I have off from work and I guess I feel off from that too because that’s my usual schedule… yea I know — you’re probably thinking is she crazy it’s a day off paid, but in reality — I am accustomed to certain schedules and ways that I do things and NO ITS NOT OCD!.  I think my puppy can tell I’m off today too cause he is really really under me… it’s just weird how the body works how the brain works how things are signaled to make you feel a certain type of way. It’s just all fkn weird. I feel like drained somewhat. I feel like… idk .. I feel like a good bubble bath may do me some good and some music 🎶 🛀. On that note . Chao!

Life

It’s frustrating that there is no manual to life. My stepfather used to stay when I got to a certain age that there were no more freebies and a whole bunch of responsibilities… I never digested back then, I was like 10yrs old. But I get what he meant. 

Today was an up n down n up day. All I can really say is that I’m glad that I’m where in at right now in this moment, laying on my couch, not doing anything destructive or detrimental to my life. Relaxing. Watching my shows. 

My dog is doing something really weird , idk what’s going on with him. But all I can say is it beats the streets and it beats sitting at the bus stop waiting In this weather trying to cop drugs. Or better than being homeless. Or better than being … dead. Some moments in the day feel they are gonna last forever , when in reality, they don’t. They’re just moments !… it’s hard to grip that concept when your in the moment.