Another and then another and then another and then…… 

So today – complete and utterly not how I wanted it to go. It started how I wanted it to- I got a text from my boyfriend, woke up early, had breakfast, was excited and anxious about my morning/afternoon at wellness center- then a fkn flow. I ultimately made it to my mindfulness group and it was like ripping bandaids off wounds one after another after another after another…. I could barely keep composure but I did not cry during the group. A lot of the topic for today’s group was about worry and also being listened to and communicating in relationships and I just felt horrible. Like thinking of my relationship and listening to other people and them have the same problem n stuff it just made me feel very low. It got me sad cause there was this lady who was talking who said she really try’s to listen but you can tell by body language and how a person looks wether they are listening or interested and I felt like I had egg all over my face … like I knew I wasn’t going crazy. Body language can say a lot about a person. So I’m at the point in my day where I’m just feeling low. The group touch on a lot of topics that hurt. 

I truly wish that people understood me, maybe took the time to listen and respond instead of react. I hated today’s group because it had to do with a lot of problems I already have and I did not expect that- I mean I really didn’t know what the fuck to expect… I’m like really trying to move on with my day and give myself credit for not walking out that room and saying fuck this I’m not doing this damn group. Maybe I am strong cause I face my problems instead of sweeping them under the carpet or lying to ppl n telling them I’m ok now when I’m not. Im not a coward. But I damn sure don’t wanna talk about it all day. 

One of my many bottoms

Well hello there- haven’t been writing what’s on my membrane on here in a while. So with my luck I lost my job and I highly think they did it in the fashion they did it because I have mental illness and took days off because of it. I could have sued but I didn’t. 

Lately – as in the past two months I say- I’ve been comfortable with the idea of dying- NOT COMMITTING SUICIDE- but being comfortable with the fact that if (my belief) God came to me and said let’s go Cindy, I woud say ok, with no fear. As this is weird because I have always been afraid of dying, always wanting to die at an old age so I didn’t miss anything or so that I could enjoy my loved ones company forever – all that unrealistic shit. 

Lately I’ve just been trying to get my mental together and it’s fucking hard. I think people close to me who know what I’m going thru think I’m fine because of a laugh here and there or a joke I’ll say here and there but no one knows what it’s like to be in my shoes or shall I say , in my head.

My life has been a fkn journey and I’ve been trying my hardest to do the right things to help myself. I’ve been putting expectations on people closest to me to understand or not get so mad at me but then I have to realize I’m the one mentally ill , they aren’t – so they don’t have to understand shit. I just have to deal with the consequences of my actions and reactions caused by my mental illness that are voiced onto my loved ones. 

I feel like any day now my boyfriend is just gonna up and leave me for the simple fact that because he’s never dealt with this this shit is just something he did not sign up for and does not see a future for us living this was even tho I’m trying my very best to get better- making all my appointments and exercises I’ve learned and trying to respond and not react. I’m not perfect but sometimes I feel like he thinks I’m just way too much. My boyfriend isn’t perfect but I had had it already in my heart and mind that I am in this for the long haul but he sent me an email saying that he’s worried about our future, so I guess I just got stuck again being the one with the stronger feelings. 

My friends I feel like have abandoned me but my heart is ice in that area and I do not want to let anyone in. … I try to be there for my friends as much as I can- meaning via text phone w.e I can cause I don’t have a car. But shits been barely reciprocated and that hurts that it’s a repeated offense by more than one person over the years. Truly makes me want to isolate .
My boyfriend informed me that when I talk to him about other people or shit that has nothing to do with us he just doesn’t care and tunes out. That hurt my feelings just for the simple fact that I did view him as my bestfriend – I mean even couple on tv humor each other n act like their listening- … so I guess I’ll be letting what’s on my mental out more here… because I legit have no one to go to. I trust no one, I’m tired of worrying my family , and God never has a flowing back to back conversation, at least not with me. 

It sucks to feel alone and be in a relationship and have a therapist and a supportive family and such. But have rules in your relationship, see your therapist once a week and have serious issues to work out and can’t turn to ur family cause you’re sick of being the odd ball of the family giving everyone fucking ulcers concerned about you and your life.

Saturday Morning

I’m struggling this morning- I have so much good going on and I’m just struggling. I don’t feel like I’m lost, I do feel like I’m moving up in life and moving in the right direction but I feel like today I just wanna have fun. I just want to have a fun weekend. I don’t know if that consists of me sleeping all weekend which absolutely sounds like an awesome idea 💡- or impulsively shopping when I know I shouldn’t – not so much a good idea but it sounds fkn fun-  anyway- I did warn you. This is what’s inside my mind . I just never say it out loud. 

I can’t pretend to be ecstatic and jumping off the roof happy right now cause I’m not – I’m like all over the place in my head and at the same time no where in my head. Fk me. 

Hell

I go to a place where people have been to hell, they know hell … they’ve lived it day In and day out. 

Most people think that hell is a hot place but my hell was cold. I hate the cold. I guess that’s why I try to see the bright spots in the dark days – because I’m not in hell anymore. My bad days aren’t hell. They are just bad days … once you’ve been in hell- you don’t wanna go back – but the crazy thing is … and I know this sounds crazy…. sometimes parts of the hell seems appealing enough to wanna go back… and I forget about the cold… I hate the cold. 

I’m grateful I’m not in hell anymore. No I wasn’t sentenced to hell, no one put me there , I put myself there. Fortunately a power greater than I helped me out. 

I recently sent a text saying it’s cold as hell … and I literally meant cold as “hell” cause for me … hell was cold. 

Random- I know – but this is the inside of my brain- I did warn you. 

I just wanna….

I just wanna relax…. 

I just wanna hit the pause button..

I just wanna put silence on max….

I just wanna freeze the mourn..
I love to be loved

I love to love 

I love to be happy 

I love to be unconditional In my relationships 

I love to be hugged 

I love to be a part of 

I would absolutely love to be glued to his hip 

Why does it seem that pain is my muse and happiness dulls my imagination? Is it just that as I have lived a life full of pain- and a life of substance that consists of more happy times than pain means that my imagination, my inspiration is gone?

I just want to be me. A billion questions I have that will never be answered. It’s okay though because I love to be happy, I love to be loved, and I love to love. And damn – I wish I could be glued to his hip.

Once again- hitting the brick wall…

So tonight was a rough night for me. I was so torn up inside about some things going on. I did a lot of reflecting – but I realized— I keep hitting this same fkn brick wall: I expect things to be the same forever n then when they’re not, I go into panic mode. I tunnel and tune in on things and watch patterns closely so building a case takes time but today the case was completed.

I don’t know all the answers in life. I don’t know nor do I have power over what other ppl do and think of me. So, I had to get humble, reflect more so.

When someone comes to me with a complaint who I love, I try my best to change that behavior n I could names some off. But tonight I didn’t get that from someone in my life and that hurt because I am always up for their constructive towards me and ultimately I want to see them happy. 

Sucky Friday. Maybe a better Saturday — i don’t know. It just sucks when u want ppl to do the same as u like reflect or be receptive and listen and try better. Cause I know the people I love deserve the best. 

Life’s unfair — so is everything else that makes up life. 

Now what? 

I’m really not the one in life who can handle change or drastic/dramatic events in life wether they be to me or wether they may be someone else. One thing I have learned is to take it a step at a time.

Lately, in my life, a lot has been going on. And I’m not the one to say ” God is testing me!” But let’s just says, I was put through the ringer lately … 

some way , some how , I didn’t lose my job, my mind, my home,  … nothing. I couldn’t concentrate , everything was so overwhelming. 

Because I am the good girlfriend I am 🙂 I went with my boyfriend to an event last night but I ended up back in the car and while I was in the car .. something happened….. 

all week I felt disconnected and disheveled and then , I prayed. I let my true fkn feelings out. No boundaries or anything. 

My boyfriend being the man that he is and being considerate, came to the car shortly thereafter and I ended up praying silently in my head. 

FYI- IM NOT RELIGIOUS BUT I DO BELIEVE IN A HIGHER POWER 

So now what, right ?  I woke this morning feeling so much better and so much more at peace 

Life happens regardless of all the good things you do for people and all the good karma you think your going to get back. That’s just LIFE. But that doesn’t mean we can’t seek peace and serenity in its chaotic moments/days/weeks/months as well.