God given

This is true… has not been proven wrong in its many many decades ()

Sometimes in my life I like to use the road less traveled… but it’s only less traveled because I make things difficult for myself. A lot of the time I creat my own chaos with a plethora of plausible but untrue thoughts spinning like a patch of tornadoes headed down a vast land of flat land.

I can say I’m just like my parents- stubborn and hard headed- but I’m gonna be realistic and just say that I’m God’s creation- I was made how I was for a reason and throughout my life God has been molding me, trying to get me to the sturdiest, strongest structure I can be.

God is still working on me.

Today was a rough day for me mentally. I was stuck in my head. I did however overcome that and go to CBT therapy today. I practiced being open minded because I was so desperate to learn something to help me. And I left with something new…

No, that something new did not completely fix my day but I’m realistic enough to know one thing doesn’t always work – and human enough to get pissed the fuck off that I had to put way too much effort into not melting down.

Fortunately- I did not have a meltdown.

As the night continued, I continued trying to help myself because I was feeling so blueee.

Someone once said- God doesn’t work for us, God works through us. When I first heard that, I got angry. I’m like shut the fuck up. It wasn’t me who saved myself from dying from overdosing all those times.

Funny how things get stored in the brain and then pop up like wack-a-mole when they feel like it.

Tonight I pulled out the last stops and picked up the phone and spoke to two women who made me feel better. …it happened… before I could dial these numbers, God was working through me to actually decide and “act”- physically making the calls and getting to the exact nature.

God worked through me tonight. I made a bold move tonight with no influence other then God and my own from previous contemplation over the years. I feel as though I did something that is about to change my life forever.

Hey- look at that: I made two decisions and followed through with action (with no suggestion or pressure) to do things that are going to one, help my health and two, save me from me.

I feel as though I have so many good things to look for and I am so happy I did two major things today to better myself. I helped myself today … but don’t get it twisted- because I have a relationship with God, God worked through me blessing me with strength and motivation and faith.

My life isn’t horrible right now. I’ve been thru some really horrible and hard times. But right now In life, I can say that God has me where he wants me and that I am going to try my damn hardest to accept.


Author: CindyShuu

I am ready to let it all out.

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