A ton of bricks…..

Tonight I let loose. I think that I finally gave up… its so hard to keep doing this….

When I went intensive out patient for drugs years ago before I even thought I had a fuckin problem… one day were describing what an addict was. My denial in hell sickass asked the counselor ” but what if your not an addict or what makes you an addict? And as she made the list on the board I got a slap in the face and it hit me… I am an addict. From then I never questioned that title.

Tonight- it hit me like a ton of bricks.. i am disabled and even my own evidence shows I have been for a very long time. This time on my life is so fucking hard. Putting effort to have a normal day is so much out of me. I got tired and broke down cause I always knew I had issues but the disability hit me. And also trying to be normal…. I cried my eyes out tonight cause it’s so fucking hard and no one I mean no one close to me knows what I go thru and deal with.

All I kno is that I’m putting one foot in front of the other – blind.

Emotional night

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The Steps To Life You Didn’t Know[]]]][[[]]]~~~~~~~~<

It’s not a mindfuck- it’s just reality, maybe a part of your mind you have yet to tap into….

In life no one at all can teach you from the beginning how to beat equip you on how to handle what is that is going to come your way during your duration on this planet.

The steps of Life are Love. Sounds complex but when analyzed, it’s quite simple. Everything that happens in any type of relationship in your life has to do with love.

You and your partner argue- one way to look at it is they love you and because they love you – they have exhausted their energy time and attention to argue back.

You get fired from a job- another love, God loved me enough to take it away and place me in a process of healing that was way overdue

Love – your friend calls you upset: they love you enough to trust you

Just a few examples because I can go on for a lifetime. I never said that an abundance of love was in each step in your life but that damn sure is either love or lack of love. But mostly love. Love is even in fear.

Remember, don’t stress because even if you feel like you aren’t loved, you are loved by you, because you keep pushing urself to get up everyday and pushing through .. pat yourself on the back. You’re human and have love.

The Cycle…

I was always curious about this planet I reside.. this generation I was born and grow with … my surroundings that seem to mock uncivilized beings who fake it till they crack and shit themselves from the vein they have popped in their forehead due to lack of an ounce of anything “genuine” about them …

I love this picture because I get lost in it. It makes me feel like it is an attainable destination where I am alone and high. High off of my surroundings not of a man made or grown substance but literally off my surroundings.

I feel as though my life lately has been a big rubber band ball collection of spiritual experiences. Only to thank God, but that is not the point of why I am letting what’s in my mind out tonight. I’m merely doing it because I can. See- there is no one in this world , no one, who I can talk to and know that I am 100% fully understood in every quirky and psycho and goofy and off the wall way. I am me and me is me. I gave up on friends trying to understand me. Friends don’t have the same magnitude of caring as I do so why even try… again. Just a wasted broken record.

I used to love when ppl would say “I’m a unicorn” I thought that shit was epic…. I would be like wow I totally with I had that attitude instead of being busy beating myself up about something I said that might offended someone 2 weeks ago.

I feel like the more the days pass, I feel more than I can take tiny steps. No one ever said to me IM A UNICORN WHO TAKES THW WORLD BY STORM. I like to see myself now as a unicorn who takes the world a moment/situation/event at a time. And I am still a mtherfkn unicorn.

God given

This is true… has not been proven wrong in its many many decades ()

Sometimes in my life I like to use the road less traveled… but it’s only less traveled because I make things difficult for myself. A lot of the time I creat my own chaos with a plethora of plausible but untrue thoughts spinning like a patch of tornadoes headed down a vast land of flat land.

I can say I’m just like my parents- stubborn and hard headed- but I’m gonna be realistic and just say that I’m God’s creation- I was made how I was for a reason and throughout my life God has been molding me, trying to get me to the sturdiest, strongest structure I can be.

God is still working on me.

Today was a rough day for me mentally. I was stuck in my head. I did however overcome that and go to CBT therapy today. I practiced being open minded because I was so desperate to learn something to help me. And I left with something new…

No, that something new did not completely fix my day but I’m realistic enough to know one thing doesn’t always work – and human enough to get pissed the fuck off that I had to put way too much effort into not melting down.

Fortunately- I did not have a meltdown.

As the night continued, I continued trying to help myself because I was feeling so blueee.

Someone once said- God doesn’t work for us, God works through us. When I first heard that, I got angry. I’m like shut the fuck up. It wasn’t me who saved myself from dying from overdosing all those times.

Funny how things get stored in the brain and then pop up like wack-a-mole when they feel like it.

Tonight I pulled out the last stops and picked up the phone and spoke to two women who made me feel better. …it happened… before I could dial these numbers, God was working through me to actually decide and “act”- physically making the calls and getting to the exact nature.

God worked through me tonight. I made a bold move tonight with no influence other then God and my own from previous contemplation over the years. I feel as though I did something that is about to change my life forever.

Hey- look at that: I made two decisions and followed through with action (with no suggestion or pressure) to do things that are going to one, help my health and two, save me from me.

I feel as though I have so many good things to look for and I am so happy I did two major things today to better myself. I helped myself today … but don’t get it twisted- because I have a relationship with God, God worked through me blessing me with strength and motivation and faith.

My life isn’t horrible right now. I’ve been thru some really horrible and hard times. But right now In life, I can say that God has me where he wants me and that I am going to try my damn hardest to accept.