One of my many bottoms

Well hello there- haven’t been writing what’s on my membrane on here in a while. So with my luck I lost my job and I highly think they did it in the fashion they did it because I have mental illness and took days off because of it. I could have sued but I didn’t. 

Lately – as in the past two months I say- I’ve been comfortable with the idea of dying- NOT COMMITTING SUICIDE- but being comfortable with the fact that if (my belief) God came to me and said let’s go Cindy, I woud say ok, with no fear. As this is weird because I have always been afraid of dying, always wanting to die at an old age so I didn’t miss anything or so that I could enjoy my loved ones company forever – all that unrealistic shit. 

Lately I’ve just been trying to get my mental together and it’s fucking hard. I think people close to me who know what I’m going thru think I’m fine because of a laugh here and there or a joke I’ll say here and there but no one knows what it’s like to be in my shoes or shall I say , in my head.

My life has been a fkn journey and I’ve been trying my hardest to do the right things to help myself. I’ve been putting expectations on people closest to me to understand or not get so mad at me but then I have to realize I’m the one mentally ill , they aren’t – so they don’t have to understand shit. I just have to deal with the consequences of my actions and reactions caused by my mental illness that are voiced onto my loved ones. 

I feel like any day now my boyfriend is just gonna up and leave me for the simple fact that because he’s never dealt with this this shit is just something he did not sign up for and does not see a future for us living this was even tho I’m trying my very best to get better- making all my appointments and exercises I’ve learned and trying to respond and not react. I’m not perfect but sometimes I feel like he thinks I’m just way too much. My boyfriend isn’t perfect but I had had it already in my heart and mind that I am in this for the long haul but he sent me an email saying that he’s worried about our future, so I guess I just got stuck again being the one with the stronger feelings. 

My friends I feel like have abandoned me but my heart is ice in that area and I do not want to let anyone in. … I try to be there for my friends as much as I can- meaning via text phone w.e I can cause I don’t have a car. But shits been barely reciprocated and that hurts that it’s a repeated offense by more than one person over the years. Truly makes me want to isolate .
My boyfriend informed me that when I talk to him about other people or shit that has nothing to do with us he just doesn’t care and tunes out. That hurt my feelings just for the simple fact that I did view him as my bestfriend – I mean even couple on tv humor each other n act like their listening- … so I guess I’ll be letting what’s on my mental out more here… because I legit have no one to go to. I trust no one, I’m tired of worrying my family , and God never has a flowing back to back conversation, at least not with me. 

It sucks to feel alone and be in a relationship and have a therapist and a supportive family and such. But have rules in your relationship, see your therapist once a week and have serious issues to work out and can’t turn to ur family cause you’re sick of being the odd ball of the family giving everyone fucking ulcers concerned about you and your life.

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Author: CindyShuu

I am ready to let it all out.

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