Saturday Morning

I’m struggling this morning- I have so much good going on and I’m just struggling. I don’t feel like I’m lost, I do feel like I’m moving up in life and moving in the right direction but I feel like today I just wanna have fun. I just want to have a fun weekend. I don’t know if that consists of me sleeping all weekend which absolutely sounds like an awesome idea 💡- or impulsively shopping when I know I shouldn’t – not so much a good idea but it sounds fkn fun-  anyway- I did warn you. This is what’s inside my mind . I just never say it out loud. 

I can’t pretend to be ecstatic and jumping off the roof happy right now cause I’m not – I’m like all over the place in my head and at the same time no where in my head. Fk me. 

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Hell

I go to a place where people have been to hell, they know hell … they’ve lived it day In and day out. 

Most people think that hell is a hot place but my hell was cold. I hate the cold. I guess that’s why I try to see the bright spots in the dark days – because I’m not in hell anymore. My bad days aren’t hell. They are just bad days … once you’ve been in hell- you don’t wanna go back – but the crazy thing is … and I know this sounds crazy…. sometimes parts of the hell seems appealing enough to wanna go back… and I forget about the cold… I hate the cold. 

I’m grateful I’m not in hell anymore. No I wasn’t sentenced to hell, no one put me there , I put myself there. Fortunately a power greater than I helped me out. 

I recently sent a text saying it’s cold as hell … and I literally meant cold as “hell” cause for me … hell was cold. 

Random- I know – but this is the inside of my brain- I did warn you. 

I just wanna….

I just wanna relax…. 

I just wanna hit the pause button..

I just wanna put silence on max….

I just wanna freeze the mourn..
I love to be loved

I love to love 

I love to be happy 

I love to be unconditional In my relationships 

I love to be hugged 

I love to be a part of 

I would absolutely love to be glued to his hip 

Why does it seem that pain is my muse and happiness dulls my imagination? Is it just that as I have lived a life full of pain- and a life of substance that consists of more happy times than pain means that my imagination, my inspiration is gone?

I just want to be me. A billion questions I have that will never be answered. It’s okay though because I love to be happy, I love to be loved, and I love to love. And damn – I wish I could be glued to his hip.

Once again- hitting the brick wall…

So tonight was a rough night for me. I was so torn up inside about some things going on. I did a lot of reflecting – but I realized— I keep hitting this same fkn brick wall: I expect things to be the same forever n then when they’re not, I go into panic mode. I tunnel and tune in on things and watch patterns closely so building a case takes time but today the case was completed.

I don’t know all the answers in life. I don’t know nor do I have power over what other ppl do and think of me. So, I had to get humble, reflect more so.

When someone comes to me with a complaint who I love, I try my best to change that behavior n I could names some off. But tonight I didn’t get that from someone in my life and that hurt because I am always up for their constructive towards me and ultimately I want to see them happy. 

Sucky Friday. Maybe a better Saturday — i don’t know. It just sucks when u want ppl to do the same as u like reflect or be receptive and listen and try better. Cause I know the people I love deserve the best. 

Life’s unfair — so is everything else that makes up life.